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Spooky Lady - 09:32am Nov 26, 1998 PST
I have a cold.

This is a an extract (possibly the final part) of a story I am planning to write. I suppose it will be the conclusion thinking about it. I am putting it here because it basically describes the whole of the story and I want an opinion as to whether it is any good. Any comments appreciated. Please!! This is a first draft as well so please excuse any obvious mistakes!!

Previous MessagesEarliest MessagesOutlineRecent Messages (12 previous messages)
Fran Hinkel - 07:10am Nov 28, 1998 PST(#13 of 22)
You can check out anytime you like...but you can never leave!

It's definitely the situation with Rachel that disturbs me in this story. BUT, Alex is quite right, that is what makes the story so chilling. Although I would have preferred no murder/suicide at the end, it does fit in with the imbalance of the character. Two stories that come to mind that appalled me because of the deaths of children are "Audrey Rose" and "Pet Cemetary" yet they had me spellbound to the end, so you're in good company! Keep writing!

Fran 8-)

Spooky Lady - 04:15am Nov 30, 1998 PST(#14 of 22)
I have a cold.

I love you all!!!!!

The feeback has been absolutely great. I did read Dallas Fletcher's (Simon's?!) "Dear Julie" and various other stories in similar format. I enjoy this format because I find it very easy to write letters from different points of view. I like to become my characters to enhance the atmosphere.

Alex, thanks for the tip, I will let you know whether I use it (and will put accreditation to you at the front of the story)!!

I was thinking about your comments on the way to work this morning and have come up with a way to "justify" the subject of the story. I suppose we have all read "nice" mysteries about rich families who kill each other for money etc. and I thought, how often do you actually read that in the papers these days. I suppose I'm just trying to be a bit modern in my writing - glad you all seemed to like it!!

I am a great fan of horror, thriller, etc. Pet Cemetary was one of my favourite books. The sheer horror of it all was what kept me going - I guess I am trying to achieve a similar status (a long way to go until I am up there with Stephen King/James Herbert etc)!!

Thanks again for your great feedback. I will post the first chapter of the "whole thing" in about two weeks.

Eclipse - 07:44pm Aug 29, 1999 PST(#15 of 22)
The hasty stroke goes oft astray-J.R.R.Tolkien

Great story. It does seem somewhat familiar, but I like it, and the murder/suicide at the end fits right in with the character. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Eclipse - 07:48pm Aug 29, 1999 PST(#16 of 22)
The hasty stroke goes oft astray-J.R.R.Tolkien

However if you were to change the ending from the murder/suicide, you might have Rachel, and...what was her name, the killer.., anyway have *them* move to America, that could turn out to be a "happy" ending. Or not..

However I do like the ending as is, I think you should leave it. Life isn't full of lots of "happy" endings.

Leah Young - 11:21am Oct 14, 1999 PST(#17 of 22)

Good job. Your story his a sad, ringing truth to it. I enjoyed it, although it was a bit disturbing. But that was what most people like, isn't it?

R@ven - 10:38am May 28, 2001 PST(#18 of 22)

Spooky Lady!! Don't listen to them. The murder of the baby and suicide of the mother at the end are perfect! She knows that they can't live together in peace on earth so she sees no other option. I think that this story is absolutly amazing and I think you should keep it exactly like it is.

kirsten b - 05:50pm Jun 2, 2001 PST(#19 of 22)

Good story.

Spooky Lady - 04:34pm Jul 29, 2001 PST(#20 of 22)
I have a cold.

Thank you very much for your kind words. I have tried putting pen to paper a few times since, but the only things that seem to appear are garbage - watch this space though - I've got something in there somewhere!


Lady Vamp I R - 06:44pm Oct 6, 2007 PST(#21 of 22)

interesting story. have you tried cough drops?

Wayne Michael - 04:30am Jan 15, 2008 PST(#22 of 22)

Hi Spooky Lady. I think your story could be something big. While writing it though, don't let the killer be known. Make it as if they were really loving sisters and there was only a slight dislike. Also add in every second chapter an unkown person who shows a tremendous dislike towards the favoured sister. That person is the unpopular sister but this would obviously be kept annonymous. Don't give up on your writing because it would be a waste of talent. Kind regards Wayne

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